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| first showing in a while; some poetry, feedback please | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 6 2008, 11:28 AM (64 Views) | |
| bluebell | Oct 6 2008, 11:28 AM Post #1 |
Working on becoming a musician one day
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ok. i haven't shown my poetry for a long time because i thought i had "outgrown" having to show off, and because i totally lacked confidence in my originality. however i feel a lot more confident lately, and would just like to see what you guys think of this. Mourning (part 1) She’s sitting and waiting in the cold hard plastic seats given to mourners. Waiting for news that surely will shatter her heart and dreams. Plans made when she was but a child, new to the game of love. White-coats scurry back and fourth not even glancing. It is an all too familiar sight to see a young lady preparing for bad news. At last, she begins to doze. A hand, uncomforting, descends upon her shoulder. Her fear of doctors is forgotten in hope of good tidings. His eyes are tired and creased, his surgery mask about his neck. His mouth moves but no sound ever reaches her ears. She already knows. A deeply pained cry erupts from the pit of her stomach as she crumples to the floor forever to be alone. White-coats scurry too and fro. She is just another mourner. Just another fresh widow. if you want background info i have what's called white coat syndrome, and i cant stand doctors. its irrational, but it reflects a lot in my other work. i wrote this when i found out my BF wanted to be a copper. its sort of an interpretation of the future. its in 3 parts. i might add the other parts later on. Edited by bluebell, Oct 20 2008, 02:15 AM.
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| Ocarikun18 | Oct 7 2008, 03:01 PM Post #2 |
Secret Dream Hunter Extraordinaire
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Very nice poem! Good use of foreshadowing and the tone is clear. I loved it  Can't wait for the other two parts.
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| bluebell | Oct 8 2008, 01:18 AM Post #3 |
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Working on becoming a musician one day
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you sure???? the other 2 parts werent as well written, they just sort of gave completion to the tale. |
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| bluebell | Oct 20 2008, 02:03 AM Post #4 |
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Working on becoming a musician one day
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ok, here's the other 2 parts (slap the back of my hand for a double post, but i'm doing it any way ;)) WARNING can be confrontational to some. feedback appreciated, including bashing for lack of flow, so long as recommendations are offered. Mourning (part 2) It is a grim cold day for a long empty procession. So few have come for all the people he saved. He was unsung in life and is now Forgotten in death. His squad have come. Stoic as always. They make her uncomfortable just as they always have done. It is their fault and they know that she knows that they are to blame. No one but her stands uncovered from the sheets of heavy rain. She no longer feels the cold soaking though her skin. Her future is gone and only blankness remains. The funeral is nearly over but no one has said a word. They whisper of heroism and unforgettable service but his replacement is already hired and his uniform discarded. She thinks to herself as they leave, His life was not heroically spent but foolishly wasted. For his brilliant, daring brave and defiant Last Stand was not needed. and Mourning (Part 3) Long has it been since last he kissed her “goodbye my sweet I’ll see you tonight”. When next they met His face was deathly hued and blank. Gone were her days of comfort, happiness. All that remains are memories and echoes in her skull. He is gone now forever. Slowly his face begins to vanish from her mind leaving loneliness behind. The nights are long and cold and unforgiving for a widow. Never again can she love the way she loved him. there is nothing left now. She takes the two bottles in hand One of pills the other of spirits. Drinks one after the other And lays down to wait to see that husband again. |
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2:59 PM Nov 18
