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My story: tell me what you think!; The story I've been working on for ages
Topic Started: Jun 6 2008, 09:48 AM (235 Views)
Pandaman
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part panda, part mudkip, all me

This story has been in the make for many many years. (if you don't want to know the history behind it you can just read the story :P) It started off with a friend who started drawing chaos more than 6 years ago. No, not chaos as in energy, but chaos as in the chaos from sonic. He came up with a bunch of characters and started drawing them in his own world. I've known him since kindergarten, but I only started hanging out with him a year after he started drawing. He had made a couple of comic books, with a BIG change from the first to the last (we look back at these and laugh now). His first were all very squiggly, and they all had balls for hands and feet. No toes or fingers. He actually got an offer from a publisher for those, but they would require him giving away all his rights to it, plus there were some problems with the intellectual property (they were still very much the chaos from sonic). One day we came up with the idea of making a new story, years after the stories he'd written at first. The main characters would be modeled after us, our friend group of 4. Also some of our other friends would be included. We changed the name to Gemnaworld, instead of Chaoworld, to avoid any issues with that. He started drawing the characters like he had before, but after we came up with characters for each of us, in an already very diffent style from before, he decided to make everything even better and started drawing the proportions a lot better. Finally, after over 2 years of just brainstorming, drawing loose drawings of the different characters and coming up with the story, he started drawing the actual comic. I decided to write the book about the comic, and started writing about what he drew. but after a while he noticed he kept just getting better and better, and decided to start over. Now he hardly has time anymore to draw the comic due to his education, and I got a little impatient. Another friend had already features slightly altered versions of our characters in a story he wrote, and I decided to write my own story. I decided to use the same main characters, but change their history and place everything in a completely different country. That was about a year and a hald ago. Since then I've been coming up with more stories, better versions, and different pasts and storylines. I've finally settled on this one, and though I don't have the story completely planned out yet, I do have the first major part planned. I just finished completely rewriting the first chapter, so I decided to post it here and see what people thought :) It's pretty long, but I only want to write chapter by chapter. I hate cutting out in the middle of something >.< here it is! I have a prologue that I also need to rewrite, though I'm not sure if I'm gonna put that in, and I'll probably start on chapter 2 next week! Enjoy (hopefully)!

16/06/2008
Prologue

A lone figure stood out against the night sky, the moon and stars lighting the dark clouds. Standing at the edge of a cliff overlooking a broad valley, he stood perfectly still as the wind and rain buffeted him. He looked out across the valley at the city, sprawled out before him, and at the vast palace built into the side of the mountain on the other side of the valley.
He would have to return someday, he knew, if he were to keep his promise. No matter what, he had to keep his promise. He didn’t know where he would go, or what he would do, but he could not stay. He had to leave his life, everything he had ever had, behind. If only things had gone differently.
“Over there! He’s at the cliff!” A group of men, weapons drawn and carrying torches rushed into the clearing, but found only rain there.

06/06/2008
Chapter 1

The old man was stumped as to what he was supposed to do. He sat completely still in the higher branches of a tree, peering down at the scene below.
There, on the roadside, sat a small group of people, all part of the little convoy of carriages that had just been attacked by a band of thieves. They were all tied up, and the thieves were rummaging through the contents of the carts. Most were open carts, designed to carry food and supplies, with a small bench in the front for the driver and passengers to sit, but one was a coach, and a nice one at that.
He had seen a couple of soldiers go in when he first arrived at the seen just a little while ago, but no one had come out yet. He didn’t know what was going on inside the coach, and he didn’t want to, judging by the muffled screams that came out. It looked like pretty much any robbery, but something didn’t quite feel right.

The old man moved slowly from branch to branch, carefully staying hidden, trying to find a spot where he could see more.
Even though he looked to be in his seventies, he moved like a man in the prime of his life as he slowly made his way to a spot a little lower in the tree.
“Perfect,” he thought. “I can see everything from here.”
He did a quick headcount of the robbers. Twenty one, plus at least two in the coach, made 23 or more. They should be no match for him if they were normal people, but he had to keep in mind that these people fought and killed people for a living. They had shown they were more than capable in their fight with the coach drivers. His powers were not made for fighting, and though they could definitely be used for that, he doubted they would be very effective against a band so organized.

“That’s it!” He whispered to himself. They’re too organized!
He took a closer look at the men rummaging through the carts, and noticed that they spent most of their time looking off into the forest and down the road, instead of focusing on their loot.
Suddenly a coach door opened, and an imposing, tall man with a shaved head stepped out. The door was closed immediately behind him, so the old man didn’t get a chance to see what was inside, but the man immediately started giving out orders. He was obviously their leader.
He climbed onto a tree stump and turned around, still giving orders, pulling the collar of his shirt up, but not before the old man noticed something odd.
He looked around at the other thieves, now seeing clearly the pattern he couldn’t see before. Though all the men wore clothes that were old and tattered, and looked like they hadn’t had a bath in a long time, he noticed little bits of red and black clothes sticking out beneath these old, tattered clothes.
For every order their leader gave a few men sprang to the task instructed, and they started packing all the things back the carts. “These men aren’t thieves,” the old man though, “they’re soldiers.” It all made sense now. The uniforms, the discipline, the way they followed the orders so efficiently without hesitation.
But if they were soldiers, there was no way he could…

His thoughts were abruptly disrupted when something heavy dropped out of a tree at the roadside, right behind the man that was standing on a tree stump giving out orders.
Before he could even start turning around, he was knocked forward as a pair of hands reached around his head. The crunch came just split seconds before the thump of his body hitting the ground; his head was turned almost 180 degrees, his spine sticking out of his neck at a sickening angle.
On his back stood a man, about 20 years old, at least six foot tall, with shoulder length dark hair, wearing a cloak and simple green and brown travelling clothes. He slowly drew a smooth, long wooden staff from beneath his cloak as he surveyed the scene around him calmly.
It took a few seconds for what had just happened to sink in, but then the soldiers immediately sprang into action. They drew swords, and one of them spoke up, saying: “C’mon lads, surround ‘im. ‘E can’t fight all of us a’ once.”
Those closest slowly started to circle around the mysterious man on both sides, who stood perfectly still, nothing moving but his hair in the wind, and his eyes, slowly moving from one soldier to the next, coming to rest on each for a split second before moving on. The soldiers standing further away crept in closer, and when they had completely surrounded the man, they started slowly moving in towards the man. Then suddenly one soldier cried “Now!” and they all dashed forward. What happened next went so fast it was as if time itself sped up for the man.
As though the man knew exactly what the soldiers were thinking, he grabbed the leg of the body underneath him the moment the soldiers dashed forward. He jumped forward and, using his momentum, slung the body over his head, straight into the soldier in front of him.
The soldier could do nothing as he ran his captain through with his sword and started falling backwards. His fall was sped up abruptly by the man’s feet in the soldier’s face.
He had run after the body he had slung and vaulted, using his stick, to plant his feet squarely in the soldier’s face.
He landed with a sickening crack of the soldier’s skull underneath him, and immediately jumped off again, landing on his hands and then his feet, his forward momentum making him slide forward a little, until he came to rest, still crouched from his landing, in the middle of the open road.
Surprised and enraged, the soldiers dashed forward again, the closest of them on him in seconds. He quickly disposed of the first wave with a few kicks and swings of his staff, but the rest were on him in no time.

Up in the tree, the old man looked dumbstruck. Even though they had the long haired man far outnumbered, he was having no trouble whatsoever coping with them. He could tell the soldiers were no strangers to a fight, but they were far outclassed by this lone man.
Even against such odds, the stranger did not seem troubled, and the old man was amazed at his fighting style. “He uses their own weapons and momentum against them, he finds their weaknesses and uses them in an instant. He fights with his whole body, not just his weapon. Even though he is constantly moving at incredible speeds, not one movement seems rushed, not one movement seems hasty. No unnecessary movements that I can spot. His fighting style seems too perfect to be true. Who is this man? Better yet, what is this man?”

Down below the man dispatched the last of the soldiers with a thrust of his staff. He walked to the closest hostage, who sat staring wide-eyed up at him as she was untied.
“Are you all right?” The man asked in a calmly. “Y-you, you saved us! You beat them all by y-yourself!” The woman stuttered.
Before the man could answer he was startled by a scream from the coach. The door was open and two soldiers were backing away, one holding a young girl, the other an older woman. They were both dressed richly, the woman wearing a long low-cut dress in a stunning blue. She was very pretty, but a little too fat to be beautiful. Her ample bosom nearly spilled over her dress, and a cloth gag was hanging loosely around her neck.
She was screaming at the top of her lungs, and the soldiers holding her grew tired quickly and hit her on the head with the pommel of the knife he was holding at her throat.
“Shut up, you bitch!” He shouted. “And you,” he began, thrusting his dagger in the direction of the man, who had stood up and grabbed a hold of his staff. “You stay over there! If you take one step I’ll gut her, I swear I will!”
They were slowly backing into the cover of the trees on the other side of the road when a third soldiers came stumbling out of the coach, falling on his face while he wrestled with his belt.
“Wait for me, guys!” He yelled while trying to get up and buckle his belt at the same time.
“Well hurry up, we’re not waiting for you!” He finally succeeded as the other two soldiers appeared out of sight, but it was already too late.

As soon as the two soldiers with their hostages disappeared the long-haired man rushed forward. He caught the soldier on the nose with a hard swing of his staff, snapping his head back against the coach with a loud “Crack”.
Seeing the soldier was down for good he immediately made for the forest, after the last two soldiers.
Feeling safer in the forest, they had put their daggers away and were quickly dragging the girl and woman behind them, trying to get away as quickly as possible. He threw his staff, and hit the nearest soldier on the back of the head. He turned around, drawing his dagger and dropping the girl, but the man was already on him, turning his arm so his dagger end up in his own gut.
Hearing the commotion, the other soldier turned around and drew his dagger, once again holding it at the woman’s throat.
The man slowly advanced, but the girl was hanging on his arm, yelling loudly.
“You have to save mother! You have to save mother now! Hurry up!”
Clamping his hand over her mouth, he pushed her away and told her to be quiet. He moved forward once again, ignoring the girl’s angry screams.

“S-stay back! Stay back, I tell you, or I really will slit her throat!” The soldier shouted, looking around wide eyed for an escape route.
Ignoring the soldier’s pleas the man took another step forward, closing the gap a little more.
“I-I said stay back! I’m warning you! You better be…” With the last you the soldier pointed his dagger at the man, and quick as lightning the man grasped the opportunity.
He brought up the staff faster than the eye could follow, slamming into the man’s hand, sending the dagger spinning into the forest and breaking the soldier’s hand. He immediately rushed the soldier, planting his staff squarely in his chest, knocking the man sprawling, and pushing aside the woman at the same time.
Breathing heavily, the soldier crawled backwards, away from the man slowly advancing on him.
As the woman got up she furiously pulled away the gag and didn’t waste a second before laying into the man. “How dare you knock me down? Do you have any idea who I am? I demand you kill this filthy beast at once! Execute him right now!”
“I’ll not kill any unarmed person,” the man replied. “I’ll knock him out, then he can tell us just who he is and what he was doing here.”
He placed the end of hi staff at the man’s throat and slowly started pushing down. “How dare you disobey me?” the woman shouted, outraged. “I demand you kill him right now! I, the queen of Erelia, order you… To…”
As the woman shouted she was queen the man suddenly slammed down his staff. He buried it in the soldier’s neck, completely shattering his Adams apple and making him cough up blood. As the soldier laid dying, gasping for breath and chocking on his own blood, the man turned on the woman, vivid rage apparent in his eyes. He started forward, dropping his staff and advancing on the woman.
“You’re WHAT?” The woman slowly started backing away, obviously scared, and stammered.
“I-I’m the queen of Er…”
“OF ERELIA?!” The man shouted. He continued forward, getting closer and closer to the woman, balling his fists. As he walked what looked like liquid metal formed on his fists and hardened, layer by layer, leaving behind something that resembled armor.

Up in his tree, the old man could see everything. And everything has just taken an unexpected turn. While the man had been protecting the hostages, he had suddenly turned on them.
“What’s going on?” The old man asked himself. “And what is happening to his hands? There’s more and more of that stuff covering his fist. What the hell is it?”

Below him the man had pinned the woman to a tree, his fists on either side of her head, resting against the tree.
“You… You…” The man muttered, looking lividly into the woman’s eyes.
The woman was staring wide eyed at his fist, where the metal had now completely hardened, leaving behind thick dull-grey armor, with golden decoration covering the top.
Suddenly the man was assailed by the girl. Even though she looked to be no older than 16, she hit him with staggering ferocity.
“You let her go! I’ll have you executed! Guards! Guards!”
The man hardly seemed to notice though, and raised his hand, backhanding her hard across the face. He hit her so hard she flew 10 feet through the air before landing, rolling end over end. When she came to rest 15 feet away the damage could be seen even from a distance.
The old man up in the tree gasped as he saw what had happened. The skin on her jaw had been ripped open, and he could see right into her mouth through what used to be her cheek. Her jaw was completely smashed, bone sticking up through the horrible wound, and the girl, though still conscious, could do nothing but whimper in pain.
“No guards will save you out here, princess. And I’m not an innocent helpless man. I’ll deal with you later.”
He focused his attention back on the woman in front of him, who looked petrified. “Why did you have my parents killed?” As he talked the peculiar substance on his balled fists that hung limply at his side began to move again. Two protrusions began to form on each had, slowly growing to about a foot in length and then hardening to the same look as the rest of his fist, but with an edge that looked like it could cut through her like a hot knife through butter.
“I-I don’t k-know what you’re t-talking about,” the woman replied, shivering and pushing her back against the hard bark of the tree, gulping for air as she stared down at his hands.
“Kurejashi and Alana Kakusha. You had them killed more than 15 years ago. I want to know why.”
His voice was shaking with rage, and the old man could tell he could barely contain it. The woman’s demeanor suddenly changed. She stopped shaking and looked straight into his eyes as she spat on the ground in front of him.
“Those two filthy low lives got what was coming to them, trying to start a revolution. I enjoyed watching them d… Ugh!”
With those last words the man slammed his fist home into her chest, burying the claws between her ribs and lifting her clean off the ground a good 2 feet, pinning her against the tree.
“They were good people,” he said, voice trembling with rage. “And thanks to you, I grew up without parents. Your murdering rule ends here.”
As he pulled his fists out of her she slumped to the ground, coughing up blood before pulling her last ragged breath. She still sat up against the tree; her chest ripped open, blood everywhere.
The man got up, slowly walking back towards the road, blood dripping from his hands. He cast a sideways glance at the girl laying a few feet away. She was still breathing, but she wouldn’t make the night with the state she was in. He ignored her and kept walking.

16/06/2008

Chapter 2

In a flash the man had disappeared. “Where the hell did he go?” The old man asked himself. One moment he was walking there, the next he just disappeared, leaving only his footprints in the loam. Before he had a chance to look around something hit him. He was sent flying from the tree to land on his back in the middle of the open road. The fall knocked the wind from him, and before he could get it back the man jumped out of the tree and landed on him, the claws on his hands at the old mans throat, pressing up against his neck as he gasped for air.

“What are you doing here, wizard?” The man growled at him. The old man fell quiet and stared into the face only inches away from his own. How could he know? He had completely hidden his spirua, to the point where not even a fellow wizard would detect it. Even if he had been spotted in the tree there was no way he could know. He was dressed in ordinary traveler’s clothes; he had even trimmed his beard short!

“You better start answering soon, old man. Who are you and what are you doing here?” The wizard could tell the man was getting impatient and decided to tell the truth.

“My name is Brodi, a wizard from the Central Wizard Council. I’m travelling around, looking for someone. I stumbled across this scene by accident.”

“Ha! Wizard Council! No wonder you just sat there. Get up!” The claws mysteriously disappeared the man hauled Brodi to his feet by one arm, dragging him toward the people sitting alongside the road. “Check if people are hurt. Heal them if they are. Leave the soldiers and the guards, they’re already goners. And don’t give me that Wizard Council crap. I don’t want to hear it. Just help them.” The man made his way along the road, asking questions and calming people down where it was needed.

From a distance Brodi watched him. Who was this guy? How the hell did he find him out? It shouldn’t be possible. He didn’t seem like a bad person, but he definitely had his demons. He put it out of his mind as he tended to a little girl.
“What’s your name, little one?” He asked.
“Faye,” the little girl whispered, trying to hide behind her mother, obviously scared of him.
“And how old are you Faye?” She held out a hand, holding up four fingers.
“I’m already five,” she said defiantly. Brodi chuckled to himself.
“Can I take a look at your arm Faye?” Brodi asked. She hesitantly held out her arm for him to see. There was a big bruise on her forearm, but she appeared to be fine. He gingerly held her arm, examining the bruise.
“Do you have any pets Faye?” Brodi asked, looking up at her as he continued to examine her arm.
“Well, I we have a dog named Spot, because he has lots of little spots and a really big one on his head, and…”
As she babbled on about her pets Brodi let a trickle of spirua flow into her arm, widening the blood vessels to accommodate the blood flow better while at the same time looking around for damage not apparent on the surface. “Good, she’ll be just fine,” Brodi thought.

A little way up the road the man looked at Brodi. “Strange,” he thought. “This wizard doesn’t seem at all like any of the other Wizard Council members I’ve met.” He turned back to his conversation with the elder man sitting in front of him.



“If you follow this road and take a right at the first split you should make it to the next village just after sunset. There’s a big inn there where you can all rest.” The elder man shook his hand as the convoy started moving slowly down the road.
“Travel safe!” He called out after them, as the little kids waved goodbye from the back of one of the carts. He looked at the wizard standing beside him, waving to the kids.
“Very curious,” he thought. The wizard had been a far bigger help than he had anticipated, making friends with the children right away and even helping to load the carts back up. Still, he Council wizards only meant trouble, and looks could be deceiving.

Brodi walked to the side of the road and reached up into the branches of a tree. He pulled out a backpack and slung it over his shoulder. He looked back at the man across the road as the man pulled his own bag out of the bushes.
“This guy might be exactly what I’ve been looking for. I should keep an eye on him, try to find out a bit more, even if this guy does give me the creeps,” he thought.
“Don’t you have anywhere to go, wizard?” The man called out as he walked back onto the road, putting down his pack and rummaging through it.
“It looks like it’ll rain soon, so I was planning on setting up camp in a little clearing I spotted a little way off the road. Care to join me?” Brodi replied.
“I still have a long way to go and I’d like to get some more miles in before I retire for the night,” the man said.
Brodi looked at the sky, sensing around. There was a pretty big storm on the way, and he wanted to be somewhere dry when it hit. He would have no problem tracking the man afterwards, so he was fine with letting the man leave for now.

“Well in that case thank you very much for your help, Mr.…?”
“Zene. Zene Kakusha.” The man replied. Zene Kakusha, where had he heard that before?
They shook hands, and as the man flung his pack on his back his cloak slid off his shoulder, revealing a tattoo on his upper arm.

Brodi gasped, stumbling back from the man. Impossible! How could this man be…?

Seeing the look of shock on fear on Brodi’s face, Zene stepped forward.

“Are you alri…?” Was all he could utter before he fell forward at Brodi’s feet, unmoving.
Edited by Pandaman, Jun 16 2008, 02:32 PM.
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Pandaman
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part panda, part mudkip, all me

Bah, no one wants to read my story :( Are you intimidated by its length?
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Pandaman
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part panda, part mudkip, all me

Okay, I edited it a little bit. Seeing as tabs don't work I just used enters to make subparagraphs, it looks a lot less chaotic now (IMO). I also changed a couple of words and stuff, but nothing major, mostly just the spacing.
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shadowyi
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[music of paradox]

I read it! Just didn't have time to comment. Such a cliffhanger and so many unanswered questions! Hurry and continue writing it. :nod:
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Pandaman
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part panda, part mudkip, all me

Muahahahaha! Just what I had intended xD I can't write more though, I have to work >.< Thanks for the compliment though! :) I gotta rewrite the prologue before I continue, but that's only very short. And good onya for reading through the whole thing! xD
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Kajalamorth
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Vampire King
Hmm, writing a story i'll post as soon as I can but there is parts i'll have to take off (swearing). I'll print later to read.
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shadowyi
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[music of paradox]

^ What do you think about Pandaman's story?
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DeepRed
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Official TON Signature Maker!

Oooh...really good! Who's the old man? And the guards? What happens next!!! More, more I say! :)
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Pandaman
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part panda, part mudkip, all me

Muahahahaha, I guess I could start writing the next part xD And why would you take out swearing parts? Unless you're planning to write a bedtime story for kids or summin' xD Thanks for the positive feedback guys :)
Edited by Pandaman, Jun 15 2008, 10:02 PM.
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stevtomato
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The Terrific Tomato

I'll read it later XD I just woke up... -_-
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Pandaman
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part panda, part mudkip, all me

I guess it is quite a bit to read just after waking xD

EDIT: Just added a little prologue that I had written a little differently before. It might be easiest if you copy everything into a word document, it might make it easier to read.
Edited by Pandaman, Jun 16 2008, 08:56 AM.
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Pandaman
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part panda, part mudkip, all me

Just added chapter 2 for you guys to enjoy! And on I'll leave it at that for a little while yet, even though I'll probably finish 3 before long :devil: :pirate: :music: :XP:
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shadowyi
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[music of paradox]

Oooh cliffhanger!! Write more, do write more! I like your style of writing, clear, to the point, action packed without unnecessary hordes of detail.
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Pandaman
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part panda, part mudkip, all me

I used to write more like that. Described everything, to the last leaf on the ground, but it got a little annoying. I guess you gotta leave it to the reader's imagination, so they can make it their own. And this cliffhanger is on purpose, so even if I finish chapter 3 soon it won't go up for at least a week :P I have to hear from at least 5 people that want to hear more xD
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DeepRed
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Official TON Signature Maker!

Arrgh another cliffhanger! :)
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Pandaman
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part panda, part mudkip, all me

of course! got to keep the readers guessing! I love just taking a break while reading, thinking about all the gaps in the things you know and trying to guess beforehand what might happen or what might be the truth. I'm usually wrong, but it's more fun when you are!
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shadowyi
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[music of paradox]

Quote:
 
I have to hear from at least 5 people that want to hear more xD


Lol psht, if I instituted that policy I'd never update. Update when you will, when you feel like it. :)
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Pandaman
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part panda, part mudkip, all me

I know I'm just teasing you guys :P I'm really busy this week so I don't know if I can finish it before next week anyway, so you'll have to wait a little while :P I might write a chapter on someone else first, before letting you know what's going on over there xD Muahahahahahaha
Edited by Pandaman, Jun 17 2008, 07:10 AM.
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Pandaman
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part panda, part mudkip, all me

Hi guys (sorry bout the double posts ^^')

I moved my story to my blog :) Now you can read it all there. Anyone happen to know if you can change the order in which your blog shows? I'd rather have it from old to new, that'd make it easier to read...

Also, I was planning on writing a big tell all about zene's history (with a chapter about a new character in between), but I've thought it over and decided to leave that a big gap for now. I'll only give you a little teaser :) Muahhahahahaha!

Side note: I'm on my first double :)
Edited by Pandaman, Jun 23 2008, 09:37 AM.
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Kajalamorth
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Vampire King
Pandaman
Jun 15 2008, 10:02 PM
And why would you take out swearing parts? Unless you're planning to write a bedtime story for kids or summin' xD
No, just dont want to swear on a forum intended for everyone.
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Pandaman
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part panda, part mudkip, all me

Well all the bad swearing is automatically replaced anyway xD And pretty much anyone on the internet will know all the cuss words xD
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Kajalamorth
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Vampire King
True... hmm guy's later... i'll post the idea of the my so if wonder what it will be about you'll understand a little more.
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mikasaka
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Pendanters x 5
The story is looking very promising from what I have read :D
If you ever manage to finish it, try and get it published, I'm sure many people would have an interest.

Just be careful about your spelling though. From what I can remember in the first paragraph was instead of writing "scene", you put "seen" and "though" instead of "thought". Also little things like forgetting to finish a sentence... e.g "“Are you all right?” The man asked in a calmly."

Best of luck with the rest of the story :D
Edited by mikasaka, Sep 20 2008, 01:08 PM.
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